THE CONFESSIONS MEME

[ceasetoexist]

Cause we've all got our secrets.

HERE ARE THE RULES:
1. Post your character revealing a secret about themselves. It can be a big one. It can be a small one. It can be several. But it has to be a secret.
2. Other characters respond to your secret ICly, and you comment to theirs.
3. You ever noticed how I don't use pictures? It's because I'm a dummy who doesn't get it that much.
4. HAVE FUN!

Comments

[ceasetoexist]

Not something I usually go out of my way to talk about. Didn't really matter to me until recently, I guess.

Thanks, Connie. That means a lot.

[connie_maheswaran]

I'm just curious how it WOULD happen, and why. Most people would be.

You've been upfront about your past, so that helps too.

[ceasetoexist]

Long story short, a dude could use tech to peer into alternate universes but not bring them into his own. So he made AI reconstructions of them to populate the virtual town that had become the last stronghold of mankind after nuclear war. Trying to convince himself someone was living there. That he hadn't failed.

[connie_maheswaran]

And so one of those AI reconstructions were you?

[This story seemed sort of hard to muddle through].

[ceasetoexist]

That's right.

...Guy just told us he could see other universes. Really, I think he made us from characters out of popular media.

[connie_maheswaran]

How could you tell?

[ceasetoexist]

One guy in town told me I was from a video game in his world. You said you recognized Ash Ketchum when I brought him up from a show.

Not exactly a hard conclusion to come to.

[connie_maheswaran]

Oh. Geez. That must be weird.

I would so want to play that video game.

[ceasetoexist]

Kind of.

Weird is hard for me to come by or accept as weird by now gotta admit.

[connie_maheswaran]

Oh, because of everything you've been through. That's good, because most people would likely have an existential crisis knowing they aren't the "original" version of someone.

[ceasetoexist]

Far as I'm concerned, it's a blessing I'm not.

[connie_maheswaran]

So I'm guessing your original was pretty bad?

[ceasetoexist]

He goes on to destroy worlds from what I was told.

I was cloned from the point where he was just messing around and screwing up space time in order to evolve an alien warlord into the physical concept of evil.

You tell me how bad that is.

[connie_maheswaran]

WHAT?

Jeez, what an awful sounding person! Destroying worlds?! Alien warlords? What could he possibly gain from all of that?

[ceasetoexist]

He hated the world because what he saw and experienced of the world told him it hated him too, with the exception of one or two people. So when he had the power and ability to do something, he thought "why shouldn't I?"

It's a thought process I still have. Sometimes, I think I can justify it because I think I'm doing the right thing.

It scares the crap out of me.

[connie_maheswaran]

So on his justification, its ok to destroy other worlds? Sorry, I know its typical villain logic, but it still boggles my mind.

I think you should be careful with that kind of behavior. Even I'm not someone who can say I never decided to do something selfishly.

[ceasetoexist]

There's more to it than that. But that's pretty much what it boils down to. Guy was still a spoiled piece of garbage.

I'm trying. Trust me; I'm pretty well aware selfish is my middle name.

[connie_maheswaran]

I'm sure there is. I'm simplifying it, because there have to be some really big reasons to start ending other worlds.

I can tell you try though. Not everyone can say that.

[ceasetoexist]

I kind of have to. I owe it to a whole lot of people who bothered to take a chance with me.

...That was something he, the real me, never got. Maybe it would have made a difference.

Then again. Maybe not.

[connie_maheswaran]

So you had experiences he didn't have, like trying to understand the people and the place you were sent.

Who can tell? The point is, you're here, and you're unique in your own way.

[ceasetoexist]

And seeing people who cared about me. Came to love me.

...You've probably figured this out already but I lost a lot when I got pulled away from Mayfield. A lot lot. And I don't know if I'll see it again.

But I'm trying to be the person they'd want me to be, since it's the least I could do for the people who did so much for me.

Trying to be. Far as I know, there's still just one me.

[connie_maheswaran]

I could tell. I mean, I can see where there's that part of you that wants to take what you can get but doesn't. I can tell something happened to change that.

Is this place at least feeling like it could be a home for you?

[ceasetoexist]

...Naw. I don't think I'll have a place I can call home again. But I can have places I can be part of.

I can live with the people here. But it'll never be home.

[connie_maheswaran]

That's good, but I'm curious. What made Mayfield home, and this place not home? Just the people?

[ceasetoexist]

...Not just the people. But they were the biggest part. And the situation I met most of them in.

I'm not a guy who's used to being a part of something. Exclusion and loneliness were kind of the life for me, and I guess I got so used to it I told myself it was what I wanted. I mean, only two other people really validated me before then and let me into their lives but when you're such a self-absorbed turd you can't see past your own hate you don't tend to pay those things any attention. Especially when you get power. Then you KNOW you don't need to pay them attention.

But then that power is gone and everything you had is gone and you're alone in some dump you don't know and the last thing you want to do is admit you're scared. So you act the same assholish way you ever acted and when you meet people they...

They don't reject you like you expected. Some think you're a jerkwad sure but they still want to help you. They still keep coming to talk to you, and hang out with you. To be your friend.

You show what an awful jerk you can be to someone and even knowing you're a dick they still ask you "hey, we've got a group of kids banding together, you wanna join?" You tell them know and still she keeps asking you and checking up on you even though you can't begin to understand why she'd give a crap about you. And eventually you do join. Because the main thing holding you back from other people is yourself.

They know you're a selfish jerk lord. They know you're mean and an ass. They stick by you anyway, care about you, LOVE you for some reason you can't understand and...

How can you not love her, love him, love all of them after that? I'm a bastard, and I couldn't keep myself from caring.

That's what home is to me. It's WHERE those people are. Where they are, that's where I want to be most. It could be in Mayfield or a barren wasteland, doesn't matter. They're home. They always will be.

I can care about other people - I care about the gems here because I get it - I can like people here. Hey, maybe I could even grow to love some. But I don't know if I'll ever love anyone else like I love the people I knew in Mayfield. They're just....too them.

...Heh. Sorry. Probably shouldn't have given you the whole speech.