THE CONFESSIONS MEME

[ceasetoexist]

Cause we've all got our secrets.

HERE ARE THE RULES:
1. Post your character revealing a secret about themselves. It can be a big one. It can be a small one. It can be several. But it has to be a secret.
2. Other characters respond to your secret ICly, and you comment to theirs.
3. You ever noticed how I don't use pictures? It's because I'm a dummy who doesn't get it that much.
4. HAVE FUN!

Comments

[connie_maheswaran]

I could tell. I mean, I can see where there's that part of you that wants to take what you can get but doesn't. I can tell something happened to change that.

Is this place at least feeling like it could be a home for you?

[ceasetoexist]

...Naw. I don't think I'll have a place I can call home again. But I can have places I can be part of.

I can live with the people here. But it'll never be home.

[connie_maheswaran]

That's good, but I'm curious. What made Mayfield home, and this place not home? Just the people?

[ceasetoexist]

...Not just the people. But they were the biggest part. And the situation I met most of them in.

I'm not a guy who's used to being a part of something. Exclusion and loneliness were kind of the life for me, and I guess I got so used to it I told myself it was what I wanted. I mean, only two other people really validated me before then and let me into their lives but when you're such a self-absorbed turd you can't see past your own hate you don't tend to pay those things any attention. Especially when you get power. Then you KNOW you don't need to pay them attention.

But then that power is gone and everything you had is gone and you're alone in some dump you don't know and the last thing you want to do is admit you're scared. So you act the same assholish way you ever acted and when you meet people they...

They don't reject you like you expected. Some think you're a jerkwad sure but they still want to help you. They still keep coming to talk to you, and hang out with you. To be your friend.

You show what an awful jerk you can be to someone and even knowing you're a dick they still ask you "hey, we've got a group of kids banding together, you wanna join?" You tell them know and still she keeps asking you and checking up on you even though you can't begin to understand why she'd give a crap about you. And eventually you do join. Because the main thing holding you back from other people is yourself.

They know you're a selfish jerk lord. They know you're mean and an ass. They stick by you anyway, care about you, LOVE you for some reason you can't understand and...

How can you not love her, love him, love all of them after that? I'm a bastard, and I couldn't keep myself from caring.

That's what home is to me. It's WHERE those people are. Where they are, that's where I want to be most. It could be in Mayfield or a barren wasteland, doesn't matter. They're home. They always will be.

I can care about other people - I care about the gems here because I get it - I can like people here. Hey, maybe I could even grow to love some. But I don't know if I'll ever love anyone else like I love the people I knew in Mayfield. They're just....too them.

...Heh. Sorry. Probably shouldn't have given you the whole speech.

[connie_maheswaran]

No, actually, its all right. From someone who used to be by herself for a long time back home, I sort of get it.

Your situation is worse of course: I didn't have power, and I definitely didn't an overly inflated opinion of myself, no offense. It was sort of the opposite. I liked to read, sure, and I liked quiet things like watching the boats come to dock, or the fishermen doing their usual work, and I could let my mind go and dream about different places and people, because it the opposite of my own life. In my life, people leave me alone and don't talk to me, and my parents expect me to be someone refined and smart and talented. Between those two things, I always just sort of thought I was a boring person no one wanted to hang around. That's why I still get nervous when I have to perform in front of people, or be the center of attention. I keep waiting for people to tell me to get out, go away, because I'm not interesting, my existence is just...there.

That changed with Steven, and even more here. I got to know a lot of people here, I got to be without my parents and sort of breathe on my own! Even though Mr. Universe looks out for me, I like to do things myself: so the decisions I make are my own, and I can mess up or be successful by my own hands.

I'm glad you found people that care about you in Mayfield. I hope you find them here too, along with something to fight for.

[ceasetoexist]

Already got something to fight for here. You're part of it. So hey, don't worry about that.

[connie_maheswaran]

Good to know!

And thanks. Let me know if you ever need anything, ok?